A thought, a want, a something

Life is about surprise, life is about courage, surprise after surprise, things that takes you off guard, things that don't go the way you hoped they would or the way you've planned, they could lead to better or worse, but yet, they are still surprises and they take you off guard.

Life is about courage, courage after whatever happened, courage to go on when it's not going the way you want them to be; courage to keep it up when things are doing well; courage to stand up once again when you fall and be a better person.

Life is about courage, continuous courage, courage in every step, every little step. You need courage to wipe you face dry when you're crying, you need courage to go wash you face and smarten up yourself and go face whatever is out there. You need courage to keep going to work everyday even tho there are times that you feel they are tedious and you just want to hide from the whole world. You need a different kind of courage to break down and cry and let out all your emotions instead of building a bomb inside yourself.

My life is about fears, it has always been about fears, tremendous fears, overwhelming fears, fears in every aspect of my fucking screwed up life, fears about the futures, what may or may not happen, fears about what would I choose, how would I choose and what if I choose the wrong. Fears about change, tremendous fears about changes in myself, how I feel this way now and an entirely a different way 5 years from now. Fears about things that I've chosen now and will regret. Fears about people around me, fears about strangers, fears about colleagues, fears about not knowing how to socialize, fears about being superficial, fears about being pretentious, fears about people leaving me, fears about holding on, overwhelming fears about holding on and not letting go, overwhelming fears about dependence. Fears that make me swing from one extreme to another.

I would like to replace the fears for courage, I hope, I want, I need, I must, I try.

I need the courage to admit my fears, to speak of my fears, to face my fears. Courage to face the past, stop fearing about those wrong turns that I've taken, regrets for those that I have not tried my best, wonders about those different choices I could have taken and where it would have lead me.

One can only choose the best option at whatever choice they are given at the time, base on the judgment, knowledge, and the state of maturity they are at that time. I have chosen the best, I thought I was making the best decision I could make at any point of decision making, at least most of the time, I least I thought I had. Even if I haven't, fuck it, I can't change it now and I do not want to spend time regretting, I do not want to spend time fearing. I know I've done wrong, I know, let it be. Live and let live.

Fear, overwhelming fears, I want to replace them with courage.

I wish, I want, I need, I must, I will, I try.

3/8

3/8

一朝驚醒已在目前 怎麼走了這麼遠
屆指一算突然發現 很多好戲已上演
離原本想的有些遠
好比揀選歌舞的路線
但拍了一齣打鬥片

由這裡 行過去
行過去 下一區
誠實地 無懼地
隨遇地 行過去
彈指間 第幾關
原來都走到這裡
別說出發以後習慣失去
鮮花開過掌心裡

把握青春最後十年
珍惜中午的光線
很多支票未曾兌現
只因長大了看穿
成名得獎一概不算
不可更改的最佳路線
何謂幸福秒秒在變

由這裡 行過去
行過去 下一區
誠實地 無懼地
隨遇地 行過去
彈指間 第幾關
原來都走到這裡
但我高興繼續漫遊於這裡
寫好這刻這一句

掌握青春經歷老死中間不免有唏噓
今天這一家用至少不只可以談空虛

行過去 行過去
行過去 下一區
華麗地 懷舊地
前衛地 行過去
路彎彎 共深山
由無知走到這裡
但我高興繼續漫遊多幾歲

由這裡 行過去
行過去 下一區
成熟地 緩慢地
回味地 行過去
彈指間 又一關
誰要劃時代創舉
只想懂得慶賀目前
不早不晚的一歲
平常心境中探取
沿路的風呂

this b-day is a surprisingly disturbing one...
that I think so much and feel so lost that I am in no mood to celebrate, whatsoever.
I just want to spend it alone, or quietly with my best girls, just like any other normal weekend.

明信片

昨天離開機場後，一整天也沒有哭。

即使午飯時獨自外出時，走著走著突然感到眼淚湧上來，然而還未湧進眼眶，便已很自然的給按下去。我如常的買了外賣及零食給同事，在公司如常地高效率工作，如常地說笑…

原來過去這一年，不知不覺間我學會了麻木自己的情緒，抽離地、忘我地投入工作。盡量把所有鬱結及情緒過濾。是的，其實我知道這些日子以來很冷淡也沒有好好的關心你，對不起。是的，一個擁抱更勝於千言萬語，當沒法送上一個抱抱時，就應該更加好好的多談談，但我卻相反的變得更加隔膜。

你剛回來的那幾天，我說感覺像我們一起去了外地的感覺。這城市對於我來說，是陌生的、詭異醜陋的。你手心傳過來那一點暖才是熟悉興真實的，一起，我不介意發掘鬼地方美好的一面，不介意乘一個小時的車山長水遠去吃東西，不介意呼吸著街上汽車排出來的廢氣，由九龍城一直走到旺角。

原來我還是很冷漠，若不是你說出來我還不知道，因為抑壓情緒已成為我身體自動run的保護程式一種。刻意的忘掉日子，因為不想提醒自己還有多少天你要走。兩個人一起歸家的感覺很好，這兩天下班我再找不找歸家的理由。

我記得去年很冷很冷，一直說今年不冷，然而昨晚才發現即使我蓋了三張被，手還是在抖。晚上咳特別辛苦，因為沒有熟睡中也會幫我拍拍背的手。

昨天離開機場後，一整天也沒有哭，直至收到了postcard。

原來，沒有你在身邊，我連哭也不懂得了。