A thought, a want, a something

Life is about surprise, life is about courage, surprise after surprise, things that takes you off guard, things that don't go the way you hoped they would or the way you've planned, they could lead to better or worse, but yet, they are still surprises and they take you off guard.

Life is about courage, courage after whatever happened, courage to go on when it's not going the way you want them to be; courage to keep it up when things are doing well; courage to stand up once again when you fall and be a better person.

Life is about courage, continuous courage, courage in every step, every little step. You need courage to wipe you face dry when you're crying, you need courage to go wash you face and smarten up yourself and go face whatever is out there. You need courage to keep going to work everyday even tho there are times that you feel they are tedious and you just want to hide from the whole world. You need a different kind of courage to break down and cry and let out all your emotions instead of building a bomb inside yourself.

My life is about fears, it has always been about fears, tremendous fears, overwhelming fears, fears in every aspect of my fucking screwed up life, fears about the futures, what may or may not happen, fears about what would I choose, how would I choose and what if I choose the wrong. Fears about change, tremendous fears about changes in myself, how I feel this way now and an entirely a different way 5 years from now. Fears about things that I've chosen now and will regret. Fears about people around me, fears about strangers, fears about colleagues, fears about not knowing how to socialize, fears about being superficial, fears about being pretentious, fears about people leaving me, fears about holding on, overwhelming fears about holding on and not letting go, overwhelming fears about dependence. Fears that make me swing from one extreme to another.

I would like to replace the fears for courage, I hope, I want, I need, I must, I try.

I need the courage to admit my fears, to speak of my fears, to face my fears. Courage to face the past, stop fearing about those wrong turns that I've taken, regrets for those that I have not tried my best, wonders about those different choices I could have taken and where it would have lead me.

One can only choose the best option at whatever choice they are given at the time, base on the judgment, knowledge, and the state of maturity they are at that time. I have chosen the best, I thought I was making the best decision I could make at any point of decision making, at least most of the time, I least I thought I had. Even if I haven't, fuck it, I can't change it now and I do not want to spend time regretting, I do not want to spend time fearing. I know I've done wrong, I know, let it be. Live and let live.

Fear, overwhelming fears, I want to replace them with courage.

I wish, I want, I need, I must, I will, I try.